


religion

by Kalpa (orphan_account)



Series: sunshine [5]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Cute, F/M, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt and comfort, Religion, Sad, Sadness, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Kalpa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For just a second, she let herself believe that she would be happy, that Hancock would protect her, that Hancock would love her, that God would finally cut her a break and let her live.<br/>But Jay wasn’t religious. <br/>And Jay knew she was fucked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	religion

**Author's Note:**

> so here's the FIFTH installment for this series !  
> kinda disappointed cuz as of right now, the last installment only got roughly 40 kudos :///  
> i dont wanna be a kudos whore, but it definitely made me a tad bit self conscious aha  
> (i have anxiety ha)  
> but here you go ! i hope you like it !

Jay wasn’t religious. She’d never gone to church for more than a few minutes, and when she did, it was purely for the food and because Nate had dared her to. The mosaics of Jesus and the light shining down through him had always made her feel small, and insignificant, so she’d always tried her best avoid churches altogether. Nate and her were often known as the “hippies” for skipping out on church while all of their neighbors attended it, but they were content with that. 

Well, they  _ had  _ been content with it. They’d been content with a lot before their breath was frost and their age had been frozen. There had been the white picket fence that Nate took an entire summer to paint, constantly having to start over from sudden rain and flash floods. There’d been late nights spent in summer with their favorite songs playing softly, the TV off as they kissed with beers in their hands and each other’s hands gripped tightly. There’d been skinny dipping in the creek just a few minutes away when everyone in the neighborhood was out at the grille, or at the parade in town for the Fourth of July. There’d been hushed laughter and sloppy kisses and silent prayers that they’d always be with one another. 

And then there was Shaun. Shaun had been an entirely new type of content for Nate and Jay. They’d been content with life after finally getting him to sleep and crawling in bed and just laying there, happy to be breathing next to one another. There was the soft, warm content of waking up and holding a tiny human being in your arms, knowing that you were their small, miniscule world that consisted of the rocket mobile and weird robots and strange giants that look just like you.

So, with their white picket fence, beer breath, and church skipping tendencies, Nate and Jay had been content. 

But now her baby was stolen and Nate was dead. 

So Jay had no idea what content felt like anymore. 

Maybe that’s why she traveled back to Sanctuary without anyone knowing. There was no heads-up for Hancock, who had slept silently on the couch while she secured her pistol in her holster and stole his red jacket with just an hour until dawn. Daisy had drank herself to sleep on the kitchen table with an open, dirty fridge behind her, and had no objections when Jay had snuck around in her backpack and taken a few supplies. The guards had stared at her, and she knew that that was all the hint that Goodneighbor deserved in terms of her disappearance. 

And so she had traveled through the Wasteland with just a pack weighing her down and her pistol. Hancock was not beside her, shooting that one radroach that she always managed to miss before it was able to bite her. There were no clever conversations, support for one another, and no one to cook her favorite stew when night fell and sleep was necessary. 

Sleep deprivation weighed heavily on Jay as she traveled. With no one to take watch while she slept, she leaped away with a loaded gun in her hands at the slightest of sounds. The most sleep she had gotten undisturbed was roughly one hour, and that was when she had locked herself in a bus with turrets enabled around it. 

But the trip was worth it when she finally managed to set foot on the bridge that led to Sanctuary, gun nearly empty and eyes drooping as sleep became hefty and much more necessary. The settlers who had been assigned to the guard towers at the entrance of the bridge were surprised to see her, and were even more surprised when they also noticed she was alone. The Sole Survivor being a lone wanderer had only happened once or twice, and she’d only gone out for a day or two at most. 

Clearly Preston had been nearby to the guards because his figure appeared from behind the guard towers, hand on the laser musket he constantly carried. When he saw how Jay tiredly walked he quickly rushed forward and took her pack from her hands, placing a supportive hand on her back. She smiled at him. 

“You’re too kind, Garvey,” she told him, and he smiled back, nodding towards her. 

“Anything to help, ma’am,” he replied, and she laughed loudly, sinking into his body as he helped support her towards the closest house. But when Jay noticed that the house they were going towards was not her old one, she shook her head, leaning away. Preston looked at her with confused eyes.

“I want to go home,” she explained to him, voice barely above a whisper. Clearly, her voice explained her emotions better than her words did because Preston nodded, stepping away from her in respect of her space. She smiled up to him as she took his pack from his hands, turning and slowly walking towards where her home was waiting. 

The streets were dark as she roamed through him, the only light from the occasional house she had managed to hook up to a generator. There was only the soft whir of electricity being generated and the rare conversation spoken between two settlers. Besides that, it was silent as night fell and shadows came out to play. Jay didn’t get scared though; she was home. 

When she saw the untouched house that had been hers for over two centuries, she felt happy tears come to her face as she approached it. The old, rusting car was still parked in the garage, and the white picket fence remained despite all the damage time had afflicted to it. Immediately, upon pushing open the gate, she felt a comfort that had been foreign to her ever since she had run for the vault, blissfully ignorant of how it felt to wake up to lips chapped with frost and a dead husband waiting for her to wake up. 

When she opened the door, she was immediately propelled back into the fateful day that had felt cool and beautiful with dying leaves and happy families. Her coffee cup still sat on the counter, where other utensils joined it. The furniture was somewhat still in position, and she ran her hand along the couch she and Nate had kissed, fucked and simply sat. Looking around at a world she had once lived in, she dropped her pack onto the counter and turned to walk down the hallway. 

The mirror still waited to see her reflection after 200 years, and she briefly thought of how Nate had always hogged it after their showers together. He would always rub at his scars, or try and fix his hair and Jay had just watched, a smile only few had seen printed on her face. Jay turned away from the bathroom before she would cry, and continued down to Shaun’s room. 

The mobile still hung above Shaun’s destroyed, scarcely used crip, and Jay reached up and gave it a small spin, tears streaming down her face as she covered her mouth. A sob rose up in her throat as she picked up the teddy bear her parents had bought and given her to celebrate Shaun’s birth, and lowered her head as she let the sobs shake her body. 

She didn’t know how long she stood there and finally allowed herself to grieve, to mourn not just the loss of Shaun and her husband’s death, but to mourn and grieve the destruction of what had been an easy, perfect life. Jay was home, but she knew very well home had been destroyed when the nuke hit, when she had run away from home in the first place. When she had fled to the vault, she had given up pretty dresses and skipping church. 

And in those moments, where she sat and sobbed and prayed to any God that she find Shaun safe and alive, she believed in a heaven. She believed that Nate was behind her, holding her and telling her comforting things she knew weren’t true. Jay believed God chose her for something greater than just surviving, and she allowed herself to take comfort in knowing her destiny was planned for her.

But like everything else, that moment ended and she opened her eyes to a destroyed home, a destroyed life and a destroyed world. And so she got to her feet, rubbed at her face and sniffled, and walked over to the destroyed bed she had slept on over 200 years ago. She stripped so she crawled into bed wearing only a shirt and underwear, and closed her eyes, imagining when she woke up, Nate would be beside her, kissing her forehead and Shaun would be crying in the other room and Codsworth be telling her he would handle the situation. 

* * *

 

When Jay woke up, Nate was dead, Shaun was missing and the U.S was still fucked. She ignored the sadness and disappointment that swelled in her chest, and pushed her hair back from her face as she slowly sat up in bed, the covers pooling around her waist. Furrowing her eyebrows, she looked out the cracked and splintered walls and saw that the sun was just barely peaking over the horizon, painting the harsh world in a contrasting soft glow. 

Jay let herself think for a moment that it would be okay. 

And that’s when she heard the knock at the door of the room. 

She immediately pulled her pistol out from underneath her pillow and jumped out of the bed, turning and pointing the gun towards whoever was at the door. Her teeth were bared as her hair swung in her face, and she knew she must’ve been quite a sight; a disheveled woman ready to pop a cap in your ass in her underwear. But when she saw the familiar red coat and pointy hat, she took a sigh of relief and ran her hand through her hair, dropping the gun. 

“Oh my god,” Jay sighed, flicking the safety back on and throwing the weapon onto the bed. She turned away from Hancock for a minute and took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

“You okay, sunshine? I knocked, but damn, I guess  _ breathing  _ would’ve woken you up,” Hancock said, and Jay held her hair out of her face as she laughed, turning to face the ghoul. He was leaning on the doorway, arms crossed and eyes trained on her with a small smirk on his face. She smiled at him. 

“How could I not wake up to your amazing presence?” she joked, grin cheeky as she placed her hand on her hips. Hancock grinned at her and shrugged. 

“I have no idea,” he replied before gesturing to her lower body. She looked down and quickly remembered she was wearing no pants. Immediately, her cheeks were a bright red and she felt embarrassment bounce around in her chest. Hancock clearly noticed, and his grin grew even larger. “I would loan you a pair of again but you already have one,” he said, and Jay rubbed her neck in embarrassment, turning so her back was facing him. He gave a low whistle at the view and Jay threw a pillow at him. “Nevermind...I regret ever loaning you a pair.”

She turned her head and stopped rustling around in her bag for a moment just to stare at him. He smirked at her and shrugged. “What? I appreciate what I got.”

“Who says you have this?” she asked, a sudden boldness sprouting in her chest as the embarrassment grew hotter and hotter. Jay honestly had no idea what to do or say, just like when raiders had a gun pointed at her and people were prepared to kill her. So she did what she did best; be a smartass. 

Hancock chuckled to himself, lowering his head and shaking it as he just laughed to himself. He popped out his legs and propped it against the doorframe, cocking his head and staring up at her from under his brow. Jay took a deep breath, steadying herself as she maintained eye contact. “You do,” he told her, voice low. 

Heat pooled in Jay’s stomach as her eyes widened in surprise, her mouth dropping slightly ajar at him comment. Hancock clearly noticed because he didn’t drop eye contact, and the two simply stood there, staring at one another as the world moved on. But for Jay, it felt as though she had been frozen again. And so she did the only she could; smile and laugh. That soft smile only Nate had seen blossomed on her face as she looked down at the damaged floor, a small laugh breathlessly being released by her. She shook her head, pulling out a pair of pants from her bag. “I can’t believe you,” she laughed, pulling on her pants. 

“Believe what? How devilishly handsome I am, or how much I love this view?” he asked, and she laughed again. 

“Can’t believe the fact that you’re saying my ass is a good view. I thought you had more respect for me,” she playfully cried, buttoning and zipping her pants up. 

“Who said I thought your ass was hot and not you as a whole?” he replied, and Jay took a deep breath, pretending to be adjusting her pants while just trying to will her blush away. After a moment, she turned around, hands on her hips and her business face on. Hancock’s eyes widened at the look of seriousness, but did not say anything. 

“Why are you here, Hancock? Not that I hate your company, but when I ran away I didn’t expect you to come after me. There’s a reason why I left without telling you-”

“Cuz you don’t wanna be near me,” he interrupted, and she frowned, shaking her head. 

“No, that’s not why I ran away,” she explained. “Why would you think that?”

“Cuz you’ve been acting real funky lately, blue. You haven’t been acting like you did. You aren’t talkin to me as much, and when we get back to Goodneighbor you always get the hell away from me. And you thought I’d let you be forced into sex slavery. Something’s off between us,” he told her, genuinely concerned as he pushed himself off of the doorframe. Jay didn’t understand his concerned and folded her arms, shrugging. 

“I don’t always bring you around, so why the concern?” she asked. 

“Because you didn’t run away in the middle of the night after a heart-to-heart on the roof,” he exclaimed, obviously upset and hurt by her actions. 

Jay opened her mouth to speak, but stuttered for a moment at how upset Hancock appeared. She had never seen him confused and hurt before, especially with  _ her.  _ Guilt immediately overwashed the previous embarrassment she’d felt, and Jay didn’t know whether to hug Hancock or just stand there looking like an idiot. “I-I’m sorry. I...I just thought…” she trailed off, not sure of what she did think. 

“Didn’t think what? That I care about you? That I’d let you go if you told me? I’m not keeping you hostage. I want you to be happy, blue. I’ll do anything to bring that smile to your face, even if it means crossing the Wasteland just to make sure you’re okay,” Hancock explained, slowly walking towards her. Jay just watched him approach, eyes wide and eyebrows twisted up in sadness. 

“I...I didn’t think you’d care,” she whispered, and Hancock just stared in her eyes, looking like a puppy who had been left alone on the side of the road. And she hated him for it. The last time someone had looked at her like that, it’d been when she had said her final ‘I love you’ to Nate, before 200 years passed and a bullet separated them.

Jay looked away, licking her lips as Hancock got closer and closer. She threw up a hand in exasperation, unsure as to what to say. “I-I just kept thinking about Nate and Shaun and how you remind me of Nate and you remind me of home, and how fucked up the world is and how sad I always am and how I just want to go back to 200 years ago and be happy and you make me happy but the last time I was happy the nuke fell and destroyed everything and I can’t handle hurting you or-”

Hands were placed over Jay’s shoulders, and one hand moved to her cheek, bringing her face so she looked directly up in Hancock’s eyes. He was looking at her like she was the one dim star she had always lost count on, and she hated him even more for it. For a moment, she simply breathed and he simply watched her eyes, looking for something that was not there. “Jay...you have  _ every  _ right in this goddamn universe to be happy. Let yourself  _ live  _ for yourself, and not others. You deserve it. But running away in the middle of the night could  _ kill  _ you,” he whispered to her. 

Jay just looked at him for a moment before looking back down the floor, shrugging. “So?” she mumbled, and Hancock said nothing, and did everything. He pulled her to his chest, wrapping her arms around her small but deadly body. For a moment, Jay just stood with her arms held out, confusion hot in her body. But finally, as all the bottled and repressed emotions of fear, sadness and loneliness caught up with her, she wrapped her arms around him too, burying her head into his chest. 

“So...don’t. Please,” he murmured into her hair, and she nodded, sniffling as she blinked away the tears that swelled in her eyes. His hand ran up and down along the back of her head, smoothing her hair and shushing her. “Don’t worry. I got you, sunshine.”

And that’s when Jay knew there was no going back to before she loved Hancock.

For just a second, she let herself believe that she would be happy, that Hancock would protect her, that Hancock would love her, that God would finally cut her a break and let her live.

But Jay wasn’t religious. 

And Jay knew she was fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed this PLEASE leave kudos and (maybe??) comment !!!  
> it would be so awesome !! even a little "i love this" or "cool" would be awesome !!!  
> thank you for reading~~~!!!


End file.
